You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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