i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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