i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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