3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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