She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
