I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
