so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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