i love accidental penises.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
