Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize