he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
