Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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