i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
