There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
