The best revenge is premature balding
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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