He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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