Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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