I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
