Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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