I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
