my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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