Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
