im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
