We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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