New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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