Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize