i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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