he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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