I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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