my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
