believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize