Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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