P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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