In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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