just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
