i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
