he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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