Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
