I faked an abortion last night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
