And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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