Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
