God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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