So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
