hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
