Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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