i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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