i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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