im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
