You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
