Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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