i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
