you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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