Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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