You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
