Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
