Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
i now understand why vodka
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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