im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
