I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
